Hello. My name is Jake. I work the night shift as a surveillance engineer at an automotive reclamation facility near where Alex, here, lives. I am a Canine-American.
My job is only made necessary by the fact that there are certain human beings who would gladly take for their own, without payment, the goods my employer has rightfully purchased from their original owners. In order to protect these goods, therefore, I am forced to put on something of a harsh and menacing demeanor.
It wouldn’t do for the world to know my passion for Mozart string quartets, or my appreciation of the paintings of Auguste Renoir. If world of my actual inner nature were to reach the street, it would make it very difficult for me to do my duty to keep miscreant human beings from stealing my employer’s wares.
It is with this in mind that I would like to protest the use of the phrase, “Meaner than a junkyard dog.”
It’s not bad enough that I have to prevent certain human beings from giving in to their baser instincts. But then to be insulted for the necessary work I do, and the attitude I must assume in order to do it effectively, by members of that very same species, is just too much.
So I would like to ask you humans to please tone down the rhetoric about yours truly and my many colleagues in this vital industry. I don’t expect people covering Jim Croce to say, “More refined than a junkyard dog”—that’s probably asking too much and there’s no point setting the bar that high. But please, please, be mindful of your devoted Canine-American auto reclamation facility surveillance personnel, and—well—maybe you could mumble that line? Or something. Thank you.
Copyright © 2011-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.