GENEVA – A judge in Geneva today issued a restraining order against the European Agency for Nuclear Research, commonly known as CERN, at the request of the Higgs Boson. In statements presented before the court, CERN scientists were accused of “stalking” the elusive subatomic particle.
“They never give our client a moment of rest,” claimed the particle’s lawyers. “They’re even willing to destroy other innocent particles, just to get a tiny glimpse of our client.” The boson did not appear in court, and indeed has never been seen in Switzerland.
CERN director general Rolf-Dieter Heuer denied the charges, saying, “We are merely setting up the sort of conditions we know Mr. Higgs likes. If he decides to show up, that’s not our fault.”
Scientists at rival FermiLab in the United States filed an amicus curiae brief, stating in part that CERN’s behavior toward particles is inappropriate. “They spin these poor particles around and around, and inevitably get them smashed,” said FermiLab director Piermaria J. Oddone. “They have strong interactions!”
“They’re jealous that particles come to our lab instead of theirs,” said Heuer. “We just throw better parties, is all.”
CERN made headlines earlier this year by claiming they were able to accelerate particles to speeds faster than the speed of light, long considered to be an upper limit to the velocity of objects, the current freefall of Rush Limbaugh’s popularity notwithstanding.
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