The Day the Twinkies Died

TwinkieWith apologies to Don McLean

A long, long time ago
I can still remember eating Twinkies
used to make me smile
And I liked to eat them because
I could get a sugar buzz
And bounce across the ceiling for a while
But this November my lip quivered
No more of them will be delivered
Bad news on the website
I’ll never take one more bite
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read what Hostess did decide
But something crushed me deep inside
The day the Twinkies died

So bye bye great American snack
Forty grams of fat and sugar,
Cream-filled sponge heart attack
And good old boys who drink their coffee dark black
Are singin’ this’ll be the cake that I lack,
This’ll be the cake that I lack

When you pack your children’s lunch
Do you put in carrot sticks to crunch
Cos health gurus told you to?
And do you pack whole wheat PBJ’s
Or ham with Best Foods* mayonnaise?
Or some chicken, lightly braised, do you?
Well you know your kids would rather chew
On something sweet and gooey too
You grabbed that sponge-cake snack
In its individual pack
Well they weren’t no French gâteaux de luxe
But a box was just a coupl’a bucks
But now we’re all out of luck
Since the day the Twinkies died

And we are singin’, Bye bye. . .

Back then we were all in one room
The smells of cooking filled the gloom
Us brown-bag kids, we had it made
So come on, Jackie Kimball, let’s be quick,
I’ll give you half my Chick-O-Stick
For half your Twinkie, wanna trade?
Well the lunchtime air was kinda gross
While the cooks served creamed chipped beef on toast
It tasted just like Hell
Is that why Satan fell?
But as the others waited to be served
We ate our Twinkie cakes with verve
Now we’re depressed and quite unnerved
Since the day the Twinkies died

And we are singin’, Bye bye. . .

Helter, skelter in a summer swelter
The state fair’s hot, with little shelter
But a lot of greasy food
We got there and we found a place
To spend our cash and stuff our face
With lotsa greasy deep-fried carbs, so good
Well the funnel cakes are pretty nice
And elephant ears have a little spice
But no special snack I know
Can give me such a glow
I’ll take a deep-fried Twinkie full of goo
Over fries or corn dogs, burgers too
What’ll we eat next year? We’re screwed!
Now that the Twinkies died.

And we’ll be singin’, Bye bye. . .

I met a girl who sang the blues
As she scuffed along in light-up shoes,
Her lunchbox sadly Twinkie-free
So I went down to the grocery store
Where I’d bought some Twinkies days before
But the man there said the last one sold at three
And in the schools the children cried
The lunch cooks fried and the teachers sighed
Of Twinkies there weren’t any
Of sad young faces, many
And of the three cakes I admire best,
I like Twinkies more and Zingers less,
But Little Debbie tore her dress
The day the Twinkies died

And she was singin’, Bye bye. . .
*Known as Hellman’s east of the Rockies
Copyright © 2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

6 thoughts on “The Day the Twinkies Died

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