If spiders could talk, I might take part in a conversation not unlike this:
Me: Um, Ms. Spider, I really prefer to shower alone.
Spider: I happen to know that you’re not man enough to do anything about it, so hold your peace.
Me: I could take my hands and redirect the stream and wash you down the drain,
Spider: I could jump into your face and bite your eyes before you even got close.
Me: I dunno. I’m pretty sneaky.
Spider: Besides, I’m too big to fit down your drain, and can hold my breath for a long time.
Me: Once I had you on the floor of the tub I could smash you with my foot.
Spider: Right. Then you KNOW you’d get bit. And I’ve been saving up venom just for you in an extra pouch in my cheek.
Me: I’m going to get a washcloth and smash you to a pulp.
Spider: As it just so happens I was about to leave. I fancy crawling under your pillow. Or perhaps inside your pillowcase. Or under your quilt. Have fun sleeping tonight.
Me: Wait! You come back here! You… AUGH!
Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.