Jesus: I Won’t Deny You Before the Father If You Don’t Copy and Paste This to Your Status

JesusPALO ALTO, CALIF. – Speaking before an assembled group of Facebook users, famous and well-loved divine person Jesus Christ (Ind., PALEST.) stated emphatically that he was not going to deny anybody before the Father simply because they did not copy and paste a Facebook message about loving, believing in, and/or worshiping Him to their status.

“That quote is being wrenched pretty violently from context,” said the vexed Lord. “Of course most of what I said has been wrenched pretty violently from context over the course of the last 2,000 years by some group or other. But this one finally got my goat. Facebook guilt-trippers: cut it out.”

Jesus went on to indicate that people not displaying “fish” decals on their car, not visibly wearing “Christian” jewelry, or not leaving Chick Tracts in place of tips for harried waitresses are likewise in no danger of being denied before the Father for those reasons. “Work on that ‘love your neighbor’ thing more, and I’ll be happier,” the one-time itinerant rabbi said. “Feed the poor, clothe the naked, stuff like that. It’s in that book they wrote about me. Look it up.”

Responses from world religious leaders to the divine pronouncement have been mixed. “I knew that,” said world-famous pope Francis I. “If putting a fish decal on your car isn’t loving your neighbor, I don’t know what is,” said televangelist J.I. Bighair. “Why don’t I just leave this here so you can read it, and I’ll come back tomorrow,” said a door-to-door missionary. “What’s love got to do, got to do with it?” asked Tina Turner on a completely different subject.

In related news, a spokesperson for the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “Arrrr.”

Copyright © 2011-2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
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first published in Is Outrage on September 3, 2011

Kim Jong Un, Vatican Locked in Desperate Battle for Headlines

dueling videosPYONGYANG and ROME — The standoff between North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and the Roman Catholic Church for top billing in the world’s leading newspapers, cable news shows, political blogs, and water cooler conversations appears headed into a third week. After the conclave of Cardinals that will vote to elect the next pope announced they would be taking steps to limit leaks to the press, and Pongyang announced that hotline phone service to South Korea would be cut off, strategists for both sides admit they are still working hard to top the other’s latest press releases.

“Of course once we elect the pope, we’ll have the A-1 above-the-fold,” said a cardinal who wished to remain anonymous. “But until then, Kim Jong is going to fight hard.”

“This was to be my moment of glory on the world stage,” said Un through an interpreter, “and that smarty-pants pope had to go and resign.”

Rumors blazed on Sunday on all the major social media sites, amid speculations that the cardinals and the dictator were preparing dueling music videos. “The video production people are being very hush-hush,” said tweeter @PopeVersusKimJongUn, “but watchers on YouTube are expecting Conclave Me Maybe and Pyong Yangnam Style.

Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Harold Camping to Advise Mayans on Apocalypse Rescheduling

Mayan CalendarGUATEMALA – In the wake of the failure of the world to end at the end of the 13th baktun, Mayan astrologers are meeting with former American religious broadcaster Harold Camping to discuss strategies for revising their Armageddon forecast.

Camping, 91, president of the Family Radio group between 1958 and 2011, has twice predicted the end of the world on the 21st day of the month, namely in May and October of 2011.
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