The Egg Princess

2013-0519.Red HenA Fairy Tale

Ivana’s parents, Ivan and Svetlana, were the poorest egg farmers in Polentia. They had but two hens, and the red one hadn’t laid in over a year. But Ivana was always happy. “Someday, I am going to be a princess,” she would say.

“What prince would marry you?” they asked.

“Oh, I’m not going to get married,” she would reply. “I’m going to be a princess on my own merits.”
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Jesus: I Won’t Deny You Before the Father If You Don’t Copy and Paste This to Your Status

JesusPALO ALTO, CALIF. – Speaking before an assembled group of Facebook users, famous and well-loved divine person Jesus Christ (Ind., PALEST.) stated emphatically that he was not going to deny anybody before the Father simply because they did not copy and paste a Facebook message about loving, believing in, and/or worshiping Him to their status.

“That quote is being wrenched pretty violently from context,” said the vexed Lord. “Of course most of what I said has been wrenched pretty violently from context over the course of the last 2,000 years by some group or other. But this one finally got my goat. Facebook guilt-trippers: cut it out.”

Jesus went on to indicate that people not displaying “fish” decals on their car, not visibly wearing “Christian” jewelry, or not leaving Chick Tracts in place of tips for harried waitresses are likewise in no danger of being denied before the Father for those reasons. “Work on that ‘love your neighbor’ thing more, and I’ll be happier,” the one-time itinerant rabbi said. “Feed the poor, clothe the naked, stuff like that. It’s in that book they wrote about me. Look it up.”

Responses from world religious leaders to the divine pronouncement have been mixed. “I knew that,” said world-famous pope Francis I. “If putting a fish decal on your car isn’t loving your neighbor, I don’t know what is,” said televangelist J.I. Bighair. “Why don’t I just leave this here so you can read it, and I’ll come back tomorrow,” said a door-to-door missionary. “What’s love got to do, got to do with it?” asked Tina Turner on a completely different subject.

In related news, a spokesperson for the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “Arrrr.”

Copyright © 2011-2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
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first published in Is Outrage on September 3, 2011

He Started It!

How the conversation might have gone if Adam, not Eve, had been first to bite the apple:

Adam contemplates the appleGod: Did you eat from the tree I told you to leave alone?

Adam: The woman you gave me, she made me do it.

Eve: Actually, no, I was over by the banana tree with my back turned.

Adam: The snake. The snake made me do it.

Snake: Like Hell. I was sleeping under a rock.

Adam: The tree. The tree whispered at me, tempting me so that I could not overcome it.

Tree: [Nothing. This isn’t Tolkien.]

God: Anybody else you want to blame, or are you done now?

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Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.