Kim Jong Un, Vatican Locked in Desperate Battle for Headlines

dueling videosPYONGYANG and ROME — The standoff between North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and the Roman Catholic Church for top billing in the world’s leading newspapers, cable news shows, political blogs, and water cooler conversations appears headed into a third week. After the conclave of Cardinals that will vote to elect the next pope announced they would be taking steps to limit leaks to the press, and Pongyang announced that hotline phone service to South Korea would be cut off, strategists for both sides admit they are still working hard to top the other’s latest press releases.

“Of course once we elect the pope, we’ll have the A-1 above-the-fold,” said a cardinal who wished to remain anonymous. “But until then, Kim Jong is going to fight hard.”

“This was to be my moment of glory on the world stage,” said Un through an interpreter, “and that smarty-pants pope had to go and resign.”

Rumors blazed on Sunday on all the major social media sites, amid speculations that the cardinals and the dictator were preparing dueling music videos. “The video production people are being very hush-hush,” said tweeter @PopeVersusKimJongUn, “but watchers on YouTube are expecting Conclave Me Maybe and Pyong Yangnam Style.

Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.