If Spiders Could Talk

ShowerIf spiders could talk, I might take part in a conversation not unlike this:

Me: Um, Ms. Spider, I really prefer to shower alone.

Spider: I happen to know that you’re not man enough to do anything about it, so hold your peace.

Me: I could take my hands and redirect the stream and wash you down the drain,

Spider: I could jump into your face and bite your eyes before you even got close.

Me: I dunno. I’m pretty sneaky.

Spider: Besides, I’m too big to fit down your drain, and can hold my breath for a long time.

Me: Once I had you on the floor of the tub I could smash you with my foot.

Spider: Right. Then you KNOW you’d get bit. And I’ve been saving up venom just for you in an extra pouch in my cheek.

Me: I’m going to get a washcloth and smash you to a pulp.

Spider: As it just so happens I was about to leave. I fancy crawling under your pillow. Or perhaps inside your pillowcase. Or under your quilt. Have fun sleeping tonight.

Me: Wait! You come back here! You… AUGH!

Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.