How to Trope Like J.R.R. Tolkien

One Ring PoemOn and on they went, doing what they were doing (or having done to them what they were having done to them). On and on, and on, until all memory of what life was like before they were doing what they were doing (or having done to them what they were having done to them) had faded, and all they could remember was doing what they were doing (or having done to them what they were having done to them). Doing, doing, doing (or having done, having done, having done), for how long? an hour? a day? a week? a fortnight? The person didn’t know. Only that they had been doing what they were doing (or having done to them what they were having done to them) for time out of mind. On and on it went, and on, until just when they thought they couldn’t bear doing what they were doing (or having done to them what they were having done to them) a minute longer, it came to an end.
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He Started It!

How the conversation might have gone if Adam, not Eve, had been first to bite the apple:

Adam contemplates the appleGod: Did you eat from the tree I told you to leave alone?

Adam: The woman you gave me, she made me do it.

Eve: Actually, no, I was over by the banana tree with my back turned.

Adam: The snake. The snake made me do it.

Snake: Like Hell. I was sleeping under a rock.

Adam: The tree. The tree whispered at me, tempting me so that I could not overcome it.

Tree: [Nothing. This isn’t Tolkien.]

God: Anybody else you want to blame, or are you done now?

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Copyright © 2013 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Give Me a Ring Sometime

The Ruling RingHello, and thank you for calling 1-800-EVIL-MAGIC. Your call may be monitored or recorded on parchment by our scribes. Please listen carefully, as our ai-mênu has changed.

To cover all the land in a second darkness, press one.

To destroy the land of Gondor in retaliation for Elendil daring to fight against you with Gil-galad, press two.
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